the lump in my throat.  the ache.  it will go away. i did the right thing. i know this more than i know anything, almost.  that doesn’t change the sound coming out of my wet face as i write these words.  catch my breath, catch my breath.  calm, calm. breathe deep, this air.  this air will sustain you. this air is dry, seems uncaring, but this air holds you when you sleep.

tv (online) diet. the way i deal with the beginnings of breakups. escape, somewhere funnier.  watching, watching. quiet, brain.

usually i feel ok but sadness is allowed, absolutely.  lucky me, i’m getting better at being nice to me.

i am not myself these days.  haven’t been since i heard her last raspings.

i was in denver when i got a text message from my father that she was in the hospital again and i was afraid.

i brought her her lovebirds, this little hanging triangle with two glass birds, and hung it in what became the first of many rooms.  the nurses lost it in the next room change, and after hours of my frantic searching, one of them brought it to me in outstretched hands on a tissue, broken.  fixable, absolutely.  but, broken. i was angry but hid it.  went home and warmed the glue gun to reattach the little bird.  now they faced each other and it went back into nana’s room where she could see it hanging.

now it hangs in my kitchen window reminding me of my grandparents and the way they loved each other- longer and more truly than most people i’ve ever seen. their love outshone even the excitement i saw in the eyes of teenagers at navy pier or the state fair. real and lasting.

i’ve been trying to write about this for two months now. i think today would’ve been their 66th anniversary.  i’m still fine-tuning my thoughts and hope to put them down here eventually… until then, i give thanks for the examples of love i have in my family. true, respectful  and unrestrained. open and honest, fun and comfortable.  i look forward to my own story unfolding.

now let’s go have a drink! (don’t worry, it’s legal now!)

_

i feel overheated. bordering on frantic. trying to chill out but am having a difficult time of it. wtf is wrong here?  with me, right now?  eff it. i’m going to do some thing-tossing. meaning, figure out a way to haul it down and out to the dumpster and say fuck it, goodbye shit i can’t find a place for.

this is weird especially because usually when i feel this frenzied need to clean, i’m pms-y and today i’m not even close.  it’s a weird feeling… but don’t worry, i’ll be fine.

i’m sure i’ll have more to tell soon. i got a three month membership and i’m only a few days in.

just signed up for an internet dating site. god help me.

if nothing else, this will get rid of some extra money i’ve had lying around (ha ha) and will provide me with stories to tell you.

c’mon, tall boys! let’s go each sushi!

nervous. i’ll let you know how it all goes down. er, doesn’t.

mmm, also i had a goal to learn to make apple crisp this fall. i have several times now and damn, it’s good. instead of just flour, i use part multigrain flour and part coconut flour (thanks mom!) and it’s SO GOOD! tonight i made a vegan version with fake butter and although a bit nervous, it baked very well and tastes great (yay honeycrisp apples!). i work with a vegan girl who missed my last batch of apple crisp cuz of that pesky butter. this batch is for her especially and i know she’ll be stoked! yay vegan apple crisp!

who knows why he went crazy- drugs? genetics? and although when i heard my friend’s voice on the phone, i knew- i knew- it doesn’t take away the hurt.  the loss. the questions. the fact that he had four small children and a wife who was afraid of him. i never would’ve guessed then that this would be his fate.  and ours.

nicky doodle, thank you for being around when i needed you.  thanks for playing your guitar, giving me massages and hugs, laughing and smiling in your wonderful way.  i pray for your family to find peace.  i hope you have, too. xo.

got a kitten, franklin, aka chu or chuchie.  he’s great and was brought to a barbecue in late june by a guy who found him and another kitten on the side of a busy street, meowing in a bush.  he was so scrawny and tiny.  he’s got a little belly now, the vets say he’s healthy… yay!  a sweet little baby!  i’m sure i’ll post some photos before too long- i have enough of them!  today, i woke up and he’d buried one of his toys in the litterbox.  ummm, awesome at 6.30am when you’re already running a bit late to work, digging a feathery toy outta there.  it wasn’t… soiled…  but still.  into the trash, toy!  hopefully this doesn’t become a habit.

got a second job at a local art supply place. pay isn’t so great but the people are cool, i get art supply discounts and i can tell a bit of a difference in my finances, so that’s good.  plus, talking to people as they’re working on projects is kind of inspiring.

quit smoking, then started again.

trying to pinpoint what it is i want to do with my life.

helped my nana move close by, which she seems to hate.  she just keeps talking about how she’s gonna move back.  i don’t want her to- she’s old and should be by family- is that fucked up?  i can’t imagine how i’d react if someone someday told me what was “best” for me- probably just this way.  still, from this side i see things from this side.  so…  interesting.

that’s the quick rundown.  i’ve been meaning to write more lately but it’s become daunting since it’s been a while- it’s like i’m out of practice, so i just needed to get a little something out to start myself up again.

more soon.  promise. xo.

i have to stop checking myspace and facebook compulsively ALL DAY LONG!  i recently discovered that i could check them both on my phone, and so i do.  too much.  stop it and do something else, me!

also, i need to stop watching tv/netflix during the day. somehow, i lose track of time and end up disappointed at how much time i’ve lost to the tube. not the boob tube, in my world it’s become the “boo tube” as in “boo on me, i lost a day.”

on a happier note, my mom and i are going to portland to visit my sister in october. i can’t wait. i’ve never been there before and anticipate loving it, plus time with mom and sis will be brilliant.

that’s all for now, just a quickie to say hi. hi!

xo

had a good day. a really good day, actually.

saw my favorite art teachers from junior high- don’t remember the last time i saw them. kind of made my day. skipped out of work a little early, which i haven’t done for a while. my friend’s mom bought us lunch and then we went on a bike ride and ate some gelato from this awesome little place, the best chocolate in town. then, later, got together with some high school folks i hadn’t seen for years and years- some as many as 13 years, i think. it was fun. of course, before i went i freaked myself out about it a bit but it worked out fine. very nice to see them all, actually. after that, went to a bonfire party at a friend’s house- k, the same one i rode bikes with. then, when i came home to relax for the night, i had to “check my clickings” which is what i call the obligatory web surfing people have built into their daily routines… much to my pleasure, i have a sweet email from the boy i played frisbee golf with yesterday about how he had a great time and let’s go hiking soon, would i like to? umm, yes! yes, and yes. hiking! a cute boy who wants to do outdoor activities! yeah!

so, as the bars let out and the traffic on my street gets loud and crazy for twenty minutes or so, i grin and try to think of what to write back to sound, you know, cooler than i feel with this silly grin on my face. but, whatever. i love this part of just having a crush. when everything is like ooh! yay!

i’m silly. it’s late. i’m gonna eat some cereal and go to bed.

mmm. cereal.