in my class today, two activities- one which i excelled at, one which i/ my team failed at. the challenge was to get everyone in our group up and over this maybe 15 foot wood wall- we had to lift people up, and then people at the top would pull them. i voiced my opinion that i didn’t wanna be the last one, that just because i was tall didn’t mean anything. my arms are not super strong, and i’m not a great jumper. i saw the wall and immediately felt like “no way.” but since the class is about preconceived notions, and trusting your team to help, etc. i told myself to shush. i thought about the great feeling of accomplishment i’d have once i was up and over that wall. well, despite my concerns, i was the last left. nobody to lift me, i had to jump over and over, grasping this guy’s hand and then painfully slipping from his grasp.
over and over and over.
i can’t even describe the disappointment i felt when i couldn’t. i literally almost cried out of sheer frustration and disappointment. i would have kept trying if class wasn’t over and my hands didn’t kill me. but somewhere towards the end, when i knew that no matter what i did, it wasn’t gonna happen, my eyes welled up.
in a way, this was so illustrative of the way i get myself into situations that i’m not happy with. i voice my opinion (don’t wanna be the last, don’t think i can do what’s required) but then, having voiced it, kind of go with the flow. don’t make sure people hear me. this assertiveness that’s required is something i have a hard time with sometimes. being told how selfish i am by people i love throughout my life (i really don’t think i am, by the way- maybe when i was younger, but i feel like i’m very conscious of others) has led to my reluctance in voicing my needs. and not the easy needs “i’m hungry!” but “this makes me uncomfortable!” or “we should do it this way!” i am too concerned with being perceived as a bitch sometimes- another thing people have called me over the years- but i think i’ve realized that i’d rather be a happy bitch then one that’s bitter and feels like she’s never heard. and there are worse things than being a bitch because you make sure you get what you want.
still, the way i felt after leaving that class, with my inner critic saying “see, you couldn’t get over that wall, just like i said, stupid !” was no fun. my hands hurt, my inner critic was gloating like the little asshole it is, and… big fucking boo.
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