it was nice. he’s nice. i was kind of nervous and immediately dove into asking questions- i was possessed by some kind of momentary “ask questions! fill the awkward silence!” bug for just a minute- it wasn’t too bad, though, i caught it just in time. his head seems small and he’s shorter than me but he has cute squinty eyes. he told me that he’d accidentally fallen with scissors as a kid and stabbed himself in the eye- a miracle, they say, that he can see. weird, it really does happen to people, the scissors in the eye warning we all hear- i finally met one! we got along fine, but i kind of felt the “he already likes me more than i like him” feeling, which is always kind of unfortunate as i find it a slightly repellant. i also realize that it’s only the first time we’ve gone out, and i am a little slow to really warm to new people. i think i’m good at making them comfortable, but i don’t really feel at ease for a while. when i got home, this:
I had an awesome time with you… I have to tell you the truth, I was dying to kiss you.
it’s sweet, but it also makes me like well, now we can never hang out again. i’m so not there. does that mean i shouldn’t date? maybe. i want to be friends with someone, first. i was trying to think of a nice response to this that was still clear about what i’m feeling about it all, and flashing through my mind are all kinds of things to say, and then: i’m not into kissing. it made me laugh out loud, but is it true? maybe i’m just not into kissing him? maybe it would be anyone. sometimes i think man, i’m old fashioned. my brain is so attached to everything i do and think- not always to what i say, quite unfortunately- and ugh. i guess the bottom line is it’s too soon. i want to date, though! i want to meet people and eat food and chat. whatever. i can do whatever i want. i just realized that i’m kind of pms-y right now, so maybe i’m thinking too much about it. the pms obsess, shall we call it. i’ll just see what happens.
i may hang out with him again, i don’t know. it depends on if he can handle me being honest about basically not wanting to kiss anyone right now (although if i met someone awesome and we talked all night and we were cracking each other up and they were tall and gorgeous maybe i wouldn’t mind making out… just a little)
i’m up too late. i need to go to bed. i’m trying to write more, though. i like doing it so much, but i realize that a lot of times, i think about things i’m going to write but rarely do it. things come up, time gets wasted on other stuff, and i just find tons of little scraps of paper in my purse and pockets with ideas or thoughts that were going to be something at one point but end up in the garbage cuz there are too many sometimes. i figure, if i just do it when i want to, along with going through pockets more frequently while ready to write, it’s a good thing. i’m online all the time anyway, may as well have something to show for it other than knowing indianapolis falcon habits and changing my myspace pictures! anyway, blah blah blah. off to bed.
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