doing dishes so my ex can come take them if he wants. i am pms-y, so am trying to tell myself it will be brighter next week. most of his stuff will be out, i won’t be a basket case. i’ll be one step, one week, closer to feeling like myself again. things i want to say to him but can’t:
remember how i didn’t want to get back together when we talked about it? how i said that it felt like a bad idea, because i want kids and a family, and you don’t, and you said being away from me made you realize that you did want those things… ? sound familiar? well, this whole year, when i’ve tried to bring it up and it would turn into some kind of issue… instead of turning it on me, saying that i wasn’t ready and that’s why you weren’t ready, how i wasn’t good enough at cleaning, at dishes, whatever- instead of turning it on me and being so avoidant of the real issue here, why not say: YOU don’t want to get married and have kids. at least, not with me. this was the whole premise under which we got back together. this whole year, i look back and wonder why you didn’t just face me and tell me you didn’t want the things i wanted. instead of criticizing me as a flawed person. i am flawed, oh god, am i. but seriously.
when i finally couldn’t take it and ended it, you seemed so relieved, i couldn’t believe how pissed off i felt later. why didn’t you just tell me that the reason we got back together was not something you wanted anymore, instead of making me doubt myself so much? i literally told you i wouldn’t be angry, i just wanted to know the truth, cuz why be mad when two people care about each other but just want different things? instead of making me feel inferior… it wasn’t about me at all, and i’m angry at you for being so weak that you turned it that direction, instead of taking responsibility for your own feelings.
but yes, feelings. passion. hmmm. that’s another topic altogether.
you waited for me to come to you as if your only responsibility in this relationship was to wait and see. i wonder, when i’m thinking too much about it, if this was your plan. how long did you feel this way? don’t get me wrong, i don’t really wanna know. should i believe there was no plan? nothing but inaction and a wait-and-see attitude? and if that’s the case, how should i respond to that? how can i respect it?
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