tonight.

i’ve been single almost three weeks now and i think tonight’s the first time i’ve actually cried alone. it hurts, you know?  it HURTS.  hurting is part of being alive and i tell myself that as i feel my chest constrict.  this isn’t a disease.  it will cease.

the lump in my throat.  the ache.  it will go away. i did the right thing. i know this more than i know anything, almost.  that doesn’t change the sound coming out of my wet face as i write these words.  catch my breath, catch my breath.  calm, calm. breathe deep, this air.  this air will sustain you. this air is dry, seems uncaring, but this air holds you when you sleep.

tv (online) diet. the way i deal with the beginnings of breakups. escape, somewhere funnier.  watching, watching. quiet, brain.

usually i feel ok but sadness is allowed, absolutely.  lucky me, i’m getting better at being nice to me.

on my mind.

it’s fall. radiohead is on pandora, food is cooking, and my nana is dead.

i am not myself these days.  haven’t been since i heard her last raspings.

happy anniversary!

today, 75 years ago, prohibition was repealed.  hooray!

now let’s go have a drink! (don’t worry, it’s legal now!)

um.

i didn’t go to work today.  i don’t feel good but not like a shouldn’t have gone to work but more of a… i don’t know what i’m doing! not feeling good. my apartment is a mess.  i tried to reorganize and clean today but it kind of only put me into a frenzy of dissatisfaction.  right now, i don’t even know where to start. i’m in the place where i want to throw everything away.  honestly, i would’ve done a lot more of that already but i’m down to the last two garbage bags.  sadly, that’s enough to stop me.

internet dating: part one

i joined a dating site and it’s weird. like window shopping. i’ve messaged one person, and gotten no response. i’ve gotten lots of “winks” from older- like 40s older- (and short) men. no, thanks. it’s weird to read some of their profiles- i think to myself, “what kind of women do they think they’re gonna meet?!” one guy’s opening sentence went something like “i think women are the most confused creatures on the planet, j/k” umm. well, you’re clearly out, because you’re a jackass. i may think all men are jackasses, but i’m not about to state that on my profile, let alone as my big eye-catching opener! sheesh. a guy who “winked” at me was 47- his profile said “this 61 runs like it’s 18″. ick.

i’m sure i’ll have more to tell soon. i got a three month membership and i’m only a few days in.

back on the horse…

um, yes.

just signed up for an internet dating site. god help me.

rip, nicky doodle.

heard today that an old friend was found dead in idaho.  not suicide, but death from exposure.  yes, he was crazy.  really. but before he was crazy, he was wonderful. he was someone i worked with at starbucks, but before i worked there, he was the first person ever to remember my drink and have it ready for me when i walked in the door.  that may not sound like a big deal, but it was to me- obviously, i’ve never forgotten.    there was a day when i went in to work and was feeling shitty- who knows why now- he was getting off work as i was coming on, and gave me one of his winning smiles and told me it would be ok. half an hour later or so, he came back in, with a rose and some baby’s breath for me. i wish i remembered what the card said, exactly, but it was something like “chin up, it’ll get better.”  how i wish i could have said those words to him over the past years and have them mean something through his psychotic haze.

who knows why he went crazy- drugs? genetics? and although when i heard my friend’s voice on the phone, i knew- i knew- it doesn’t take away the hurt.  the loss. the questions. the fact that he had four small children and a wife who was afraid of him. i never would’ve guessed then that this would be his fate.  and ours.

nicky doodle, thank you for being around when i needed you.  thanks for playing your guitar, giving me massages and hugs, laughing and smiling in your wonderful way.  i pray for your family to find peace.  i hope you have, too. xo.

so.

it has been a minute since i’ve written- just been so damn busy and not so great at time management.  yet.  working on it, may be getting somewhere.  to summarize the last couple months, a helpful list:

quickie

so, i need to stop starting sentences with “so”.

i have to stop checking myspace and facebook compulsively ALL DAY LONG!  i recently discovered that i could check them both on my phone, and so i do.  too much.  stop it and do something else, me!

also, i need to stop watching tv/netflix during the day. somehow, i lose track of time and end up disappointed at how much time i’ve lost to the tube. not the boob tube, in my world it’s become the “boo tube” as in “boo on me, i lost a day.”

on a happier note, my mom and i are going to portland to visit my sister in october. i can’t wait. i’ve never been there before and anticipate loving it, plus time with mom and sis will be brilliant.

that’s all for now, just a quickie to say hi. hi!

xo

lateness

it’s very late and i’m happy.

had a good day. a really good day, actually.